I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
