i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize