im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize