My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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