I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
