I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
