Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
