i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize