for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
