Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
