Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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