Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
