If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
