so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
