he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
