I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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