well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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