Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
