i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
