I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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