i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
