I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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