If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
