Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize