well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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