my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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