shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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