clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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