I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
