I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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