battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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