my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
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