New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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