I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I met the friendliest cop last night
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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