So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
