it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
