I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
