Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
