What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
