laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
