Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
