OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
