would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
