Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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