I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
