went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
