Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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