im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
