Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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