You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
