Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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