Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
