ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just cut my nipple shaving
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
