he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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