the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
