Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
